It's a Child's Right Too!!!

I have a few male friends who have children that they would love to raise. However, because of the fact that they are no longer with the mother of their children, they have had to fight for the right to actively participate in their kids' lives. They don't want to cut a check or have funds taken out of their check. They want what every parent should have; the ability to see their children grow up and have a say in who their kids grow up to be.

Is our legal system bias? Well, of course. Why? Because our laws make assumptions about who is the more responsible and nurturing between men and women. But not all women fall into the category of "good mothers" just like not all men fall into the category of "good fathers". So how do we make a determination that really benefits these children?

What's so heartbreaking to me is that while these fathers (that I know personally) love their children and really, truly want a hand in the raising of their seed, our system just requires that they cut a check. That's great that the child support helps the mother with rent, but having a father figure in these children's lives will effect them in only the most positive ways. And especially with fathers who WANT to be dad's...not just the every other weekend type dudes...its speaks volumes about the men that they are.

As a non-child bearing parent (ask me later), I can only pray that my friends and other men out there that want to raise their children get the opportunity to be more than a check. I'm not turning my face to the bum baby daddy's...I realize they exist just like the bum baby mama's exist. But if you have adults who love and nurture these children...let them raise the babies!!! Why make life harder than it should be for all parties involved?!

So to my friends who are fighting, who will fight and who have won...thank you for being an active participant in the raising of your children! Let me know if you need me!

Happy Valentine’s Day Ya’ll!!

I love music. I love holidays celebrating the love I have for the people in my life. And I love connecting music to my experiences with those folk. So here is a brief list of some of my favorite love songs. Some I like because of the lyrics, some for the tone of the song…other’s for how I feel when listening. I tried to add the music that you have most likely never heard but should. Purposely left Jilly from Philly out because...well...its a no brainer! And these are in no particular order. Enjoy!!

Old Lovas – Dwele – Some Kinda
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOal2RkFvco

Angel – Anita Baker – The Best of Anita Baker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaVsQlEldzg

The Point Of It All – Anthony Hamilton – The Point Of It All
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8h0rD2Q0A9k

When Will You Call – Bilal – First Born Second
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9CP6j8j6hY

All You’ve Given – Carl Thomas – Let’s Talk About It

Break It Down – Eric Roberson – Music Fan First

Orange Moon – Erykah Badu – Mama’s Gun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ROOfKwm0o8

I Wanna Know – Foreign Exchange – Leave It All Behind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8WCwf4pVF4

Come Around – Foreign Exchange – Connected
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWbyYAQXZa0

Higher Than This – Ledisi – Turn Me Loose
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9E4nExa38o

Stop The World – Maxwell –BLACKsummer’s Night
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRjNzC-kkVc

I Can’t Help It – Michael Jackson – Off The Wall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnhWML43NI8

She Lives In My Lap – OutKast – The Love Below
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ksls1sxwz30

Complexity – The Roots – Phrenology
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYTtL45dJz0

Day Dreaming - Saunders Sermons – Classic Delight

Lifetime – Usher – Here I Stand
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nbcm51Todg

Right On Time…

I received an email today based on a T.D. Jakes sermon…all I remember though was him saying that he’s great at good-byes. That being able to recognize people’s part in your story being done is God given. I’ve always felt this way, but it was articulated much better by Jakes.

“You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.”

We tend to want to hold on to old relationships because of the history we share with folks not realizing or understanding that their purpose in your life…and really yours in theirs is a done dada. What makes us want to hold on to fake relationships? I’ve had plenty of conversations with “old” friends and leave feeling frustrated because of issues such as them being stuck in ruts, not making moves to make their life better, or just no emotional growth from when I first met them. And then I feel bad because I’ve kept my life moving.
But that’s what we’re supposed to do…keep moving. Progressing. Living our lives as best we can. And part of making that happen requires reaching up to people who are where you want to be. And letting go of the crabs that try to keep you where you were. Don’t get me wrong…there are some old friends that you will want to keep by your side; they provide stability and a grounding that you need. But the ones who don’t really wish you well if that means doing better than them or those who have made no positive moves since the like…90’s…you’ll have to cut lose.
There is some self pride and self awareness in recognizing the people who are emotionally harmful, but if you don’t believe in yourself how are you going to get ahead in life? There is nothing cocky or conceited about wanting to be comfortable, to raise your family in the best situation you can, or reaching for your dreams. That’s why we are here. To fulfill God’s promise for our lives. To not live up to our potential because of our surroundings is to throw away our blessings. I refuse to do that. No…I am not cocky. But I want a good life. I want my son to have a great life. And that won’t happen if I bring him around people who are ok with “just getting by”. I have bigger dreams for him then that.
Being on your grind, wanting a good life, taking care of yourself and the people around you are admirable. Making mistakes are part of the plan. Get the lesson and keep pushing. Surround yourself with people who love you. And say good bye to those who no longer do.

What I Learned Watching For The Love of Ray J Season 2

Ironically, I did pick up some pointers from this “hit” reality show. Obviously, the kid wasn’t/isn’t looking for the love of his life…he’s a young cat that enjoys fame. So any woman that auditioned and really truly thought it would be more is a tad bit touched. But here are some things I did learn:

1. There is something to be said about choosing to be with someone that lives a similar lifestyle to yours now and in the future. If you value family, you probably won’t do too well with someone who values running the streets. It just won’t work. And that’s not to say either person’s position is right or wrong…it just is what it is.

2. An important factor in dating is getting to know someone…the crust of a muthasuckaJ And to do that, you need to be able to ask question, express yourself, and have fun. If it’s not fun at the dating stage, why would your expectation be that it will be better later? That’s ass backward. It should start fun and than go downhill (jokes!...kind of).

3. Involving your family members in tomfoolery such as having them meet random men/women in your life is a little/lot self defeating. You’re wasting everyone’s time. And there’s nothing more embarrassing to experience than meeting family members that you’ll never deal with again.

4. Do your best to carry yourself as best you can. Even when someone acts a monkey in a potentially public environment (like a reunion show) be enough of a lady to keep it together rather than going Maury “I TOLD you you were the father!” on folks. Bad look.

So in conclusion, though I think Ray J is a hot mess he has willing participants in his antics. And if there is a season 3…maybe I’ll watch and pick up some more pointers. Ha ha!

You're Killin Me Slowly!!!!

Today I had a very interesting chat about Crisis Generators...folks who always have something dramatic (negative) to share. Almost as if they cannot function in life without something bad happening to them. And of course...they need to share the continual stream of bad news with you. So my dilemma as I've gotten older is that I am having a hard time trying to sit and listen. My life is pretty damn good. I love and am loved by lots of folks. There isn't too much that I would change. So I find it hard to want to listen to how bad someone else's life is. I just have nothing to say. And I feel a little put out when someone thinks that to be a friend is to allow them to emotionally "dump" on you. Hey...how bout you handle that and tell me the story of you overcoming an issue rather than telling me the day to day crap your in?!! I don't know...sounds a little harsh, but that's how I feel. The most ironic part about the CG's is that they tend to be hella sensitive too. So you really can't tell them STFU without that becoming a whole other issue that at some point you'll have to address.

So what can we do about these CG's?? Here are some suggestions I think I'll try in the future:

1. When I get a whiff of the oncoming madness, I'll make sure that I am clearly not a counselor.

2. If there is a pattern of bad shit happening in their life, I will slowly walk away...with one eye open just in case.

3. I will check whatever is in my personality that would even have these folks think I would be remotely interested in dealing with all this.

4. Smile and keep it moving. How can you be mad because your life sucks and mine doesn't?!

Saunders Sermons- Classic Delight

I really don't have much to say about this guy...I think the music more than speaks for itself. It's a lovely combination of R&B and your dad's old jazz music. Definitely a breath of fresh air...exactly what I needed when I finally found out about him. If you're into credentials, watch the Roc Boys video by Jay-Z or catch him on Maxwell's new CD. Dude is fiyah....Downloads available at iTunes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cteJ-Fj279M

The Fiasco That is Tyler Vs. Spike

This topic has really interested me, especially since the 60 minute piece. I am not a fan of Tyler Perry movies; if you've seen one, you get the idea about all the rest of them. Spike, on the other hand...I have loved since the 80's when I first saw School Daze. After that, I pretty much have seen every Spike Lee movie. So I've had a few conversations with people about it and I've come to the conclusion that this really isn't about who put the "best image" of Black folks on the big screen; its more about a generational divide.

I grew up in a time when there was no hip hop...I remember when Public Enemy first came out. De La and MTV Raps. I remember how our (Black) culture changed as we as a group became more aware of who we were. Spike Lee movies were a part of that culture and supporting us being more than comedic relief. I remember the Cosby Show on Thursday's at 8pm. Different World came on as I was getting ready for college. Everything about being Black in the late 80's-early 90's was on some pro-black, educate yourself, do better, learn about where you came from type art.

Now we are in the times of Gucci Mane, BET and Tyler Perry. We're right back where we were with gang issues, our people are poorer than ever, we're reproducing at alarming rates and dying just as fast. Our images in the media are comedy...as if we don't care how we represent ourselves. So long as we get that check, I guess. This is the part were I disconnect. I just wasn't raised this way.

Where I feel the difference is is that I remember before there was a Cosby Show, before X-Clan and Boogie Down Productions, before Malcom X in the theaters. The generation right behind me were either babies or were born afterwards. I grew up with my mom and dad in the suburbs. Even though I was raised amongst non-Black people, I still grew up having a very clear idea of who I was and that was supported by the music I listened to, the TV shows I watched and the movies I saw. Sure there was some junk on too...but there was so much more.... School Daze and Different World encouraged me to go to college. Artists like Brand Nubian encouraged me to read more.
How has a Tyler Perry impacted us?

So lets do a comparison shall we???
Spike Lee hired actors that weren't "stars" yet...Laurence Fishburn, Samuel Jackson, Denzel Washington, Giancarlo Esposito, Halle Berry...These people are mega stars now with the ability to portray whatever story they would like.

Tyler Perry actors...himself, and a bunch of actors and actresses that have already been mildly successful in the past. The "new" people may get a spot on one of his TV shows, but that's about it.

Spike is from New York, but he made the best documentary on Hurricane Katrina and has followed up with the people of New Orleans. BTW, Phylis has a book of her poetry coming out. Did you know?

Tyler Perry is from New Orleans...where's a movie about that?

I don't know ya'll...I'm just rambling, but it's so obvious to me that we know better! We've done better...why in the hell are we defending us reiterating old stereotypes like we're living in pre-civil war times..."if we can make them laugh, maybe we can sneak a good message in!". I don't need to laugh to consider life or my blessings or how good God is in my life. And I'm thankful my "madea" taught me to be a lady, carry myself well and respect myself enough not to deal with people that would even think of doing me harm. So thanks Tyler, but I won't need the "grit ball" lesson. I was raised better. And thank you Spike for teaching me the it doesn't matter if I have good or bad hair, if someone's caught jungle fever and that Tawana told the truth. I appreciate you trying to make us WAAAAAAKEEEEE UPPPPPPPP!!